Practical Choices

When we moved to Silicon Valley in 2012, I purchased a ten-year-old Subaru Outback Limited for a really nice price.  It was clean, had comparatively low miles, and I liked the way it felt to drive.  It had enough storage to be practical, and a little bit of gumption when I pushed the gas down.

A couple of years ago, the old beast took to leaking oil.  The cost to repair it would be high, and it was not necessary to repair it.  My mechanic said "keep oil in it and it will be fine," so I bought a big box of oil at Costco, and have been on a vigil, keeping that oil "topped off."

It was a comfortable car, it was paid for, but I was starting to think about making a change.  I decided about a year ago that I would replace the old beast at some point soon.  I didn't feel good about taking it on long drives, and that was increasingly becoming a part of my life.

Because the care is spacious, I wanted to have it until I cleared out my old storage unit.  As you may know, less than a month ago, that task was complete, so I "set the clock" for early 2019, after the holiday season, when I would set out to replace it.

The old Subaru had other plans.

Last weekend, I went to the house of some friends, zipping over the mountain on Highway 17 between Silicon Valley and Santa Cruz.  The old beast was running great both down and back, until about a mile from home, it started to stall.  I fought it from the Lawrence Expressway to a nearby parking lot, and called AAA.  I told the driver the symptoms, and he opened the hood pulled the oil dipstick.  "Looks like a blown head gasket."  I'd never seen the outcome of one before, but based on what I knew, and the funky looking liquid where oil once been, indeed this looked to be the case.  I had the old beast towed to a trusted local garage, where the diagnosis was confirmed.

The cost of repair would be more than the car was worth.

Cars are inanimate objects.  Steel and glass and plastic and leather and fabric, pieced together in a factory.  But I bond with my cars.  In a way, they become an extension of me.  I'm a person that loves to drive, and I've spent countless hours on the road.  Long haul, short haul, intermediate haul, I love to drive.

This car was there for me in some tough times, and has seen me through a few big changes.

The cars I've owned since I left Idaho in 1980 have all been practical choices.  The right tool for the right job.  Cost vs function vs need vs what's available.  The Subaru was an extension of that, but big bonus points, it was fun to drive.  It had dual sunroofs, which I loved.  But I also had an idea of what I would like to be driving in mind.

So it was bittersweet, when I cleared out the items that remained in the car.  I put the keys in the ignition, and started the car at the garage's parking lot, and limped the old beast out to the road, so that the guy who would haul it away could do his job, then got in my rented car and returned to work.

to be continued...

Empty Storage Unit, Full Tank

Just after the gate closed behind me and I started down the road for my house on a particular Tuesday, I had a slight regret that I hadn't taken a moment to turn around and take a picture when I hauled the last bit of goods from the storage unit my "overflow stuff" had occupied.  I'd told myself that I'd take a picture of it, in its rat-droppings-glory just to remember what it looked like empty.

But I don't need a picture.  I know what empty is like.

After DeDe, my wife of thirty-three years, passed away, I felt an emptiness.  That is the first sensation when you lose someone in your life, especially a life partner.  'Til death do us part means one of us is likely to go first, and one of us will have to move on.  I knew, shortly after she died, that there was only one way that I could move forward.  I didn't know how it would all work out, I didn't know how long it take.  No one can know those things when it is the first time to deal with it.

For me, I was a very different man after being married over half of my life to a woman who I laughed and cried and and made a family and made art and made love and, in short, shared a life, with.  I don't believe a person should have to change for a love, but I do believe that having a lover become part of your life changes you.  If not, what is the point?

I became a more complete person with DeDe.  She brought out the best in me.  She called out flaws, encouraged goodness I didn't know I have.  I had an inherent darkness in me that she managed to shine a light on, and show a beauty in it.  I was able to accept myself more wholly, and some of that has only truly come to pass since she left this plane.  The things in me that changed with her were not from her, but because of her.  The difference is, things that because of someone are the things that are indelible. 

After she passed, yes, there was emptiness.  It is inevitable.  For me, the task of dealing with that emptiness was realizing just how complete I am now.  I needed to learn who I was when I was first with her, and to have her become a part of my life.  I needed to learn who I am without her, and the storage unit was, strangely enough, the very thing that put this all in perspective.

The clutter I removed was cleansing for my physical life.  And with each box I went through, I processed and I learned, and I realized much more about her, and about myself.

This morning, as I write, it is dark outside, and I hear the jets taking off from Mineta Airport in San Jose.  A big part of who I am now is my love of travel.  The world turns on, and with my tank full and my storage unit empty, I move onward.

Stuffed

It's as American as apple pie: The storage unit.

I see storage companies everywhere I go in the US.  Don't get me wrong, they have their purpose, but for the most part, these are absolute money pits.  How do I know?

I have one.  #375 is my storage unit.

I left a house in Pennsylvania in 2012, where I had a lot of spare space, and moved into a place with almost none.  Even after we got rid of a lot of stuff for the move, we still had too much stuff.

What we kept went into storage.  Storage units, like most everything in Silicon Valley, aren't cheap.

Though it is a money pit, but there is indeed some stuff in there that I want to keep.  Still, when calculating the amount of money dumped into a storage unit versus the potential value of its contents, it is a ridiculously bad investment.

And yet, these storage compounds are everywhere in Silicon Valley, and they are in small towns too.

Need to store your overflow stuff in the small desert town of Fernley, Nevada, population 20,000?  They've got you covered:

There is an emotional component to the one I have, and I suspect that is in play for others who rent these things as well.  In mine is some of my late wife DeDe's stuff.  There's also stuff from my kids' childhood.

But, in the end, it's just stuff.

So I have been working at clearing out this storage unit for the past couple of months.

It is a demanding process, and it can be emotional.  I found a little journal DeDe kept at a difficult time in her life.  I found an incredible poem she wrote that I'm still processing.  I found some surprising art projects she was developing.

But what I have found worth keeping is a fraction of what I have found worth getting rid of.  I've been giving a lot of what has come out away.  There is a cleansing feeling that comes from this.

There are a handful of things with some monetary value, but I don't have use for, which I will sell.  What will remain are a few things that are important enough to take up real estate in the house.

This is indeed a demanding process, but a worthwhile one.  The acquisition of stuff is probably a part of the human condition, but we in the United States have raised it to an art form, and the signs of that dot major thoroughfares today.

But I'm getting out of the storage unit business.  The center of the picture at left is the light at the end of the tunnel.  This storage locker was full to capacity.  Come November 1, it will empty, should you want to move your excessive stuff in there.

But I advise against it.

Anglophile

One of the places where I have always wanted to visit is England.  My grandmother on my father's side came from there in the 1920s via Australia and Hawaii.  My family remains connected with some of her family there.  There are so many places that I would like to visit, and further, I'm blessed with a number of friends living there now.

So, when I did some research on the cost of flights there, and the prices were quite reasonable, I decided, "no time like the present."

Okay, so the present might be a few months out, but I do have my tickets.  In late April of 2019, I will be flying to England for two weeks.  I have no set plans except to spend a few days of the time in London, and visit with family in Yorkshire.  Other than that, I'm going to be driving, exploring, and I'm up for visiting any friends there who will put up with me.

So, friends in England, I will be on your soil from April 27 thru May 11 of 2019.  Please reach out to me via email or text or Messenger if you'd like to get together.

Happy Weekend from Silicon Valley

Aussie Rules

I grew to love Australian Football in the early to mid 1980s.  When DeDe and I returned from Germany in August of 1982, I got my first taste of ESPN.  Back then, late into the night, they showed sports I'd never seen.  Most only were of passing interest, but this fast paced, weird hybrid of Rugby and basketball and Soccer, with its oval field and uniquely aggressive play mesmerized me.

I especially liked the officials in long white lab coats, standing at the four post goals, pointing out what type of goal was scored.

Somewhere in the mid to late 80s, they stopped showing Aussie Rules.

So, when I turned on the TV this morning, I was pleased to find that there is a very competitive match between the West Coast Eagles and Collingwood.

I'm remembering back to restless nights in a small military motel room, learning this unique sport.  Some things in the sport have changed, they always do, but it's fun to watch something that so conjures up those crazy days, the early 80s.

Happy Weekend from Silicon Valley, mate.

DeDe's Seasons

DeDe Sorensen was born on this day in 1961, and left the physical plane in 2014, a little too soon for my liking.  She will always be a light in my life.  I stopped being sad about losing her somewhere between July 5, 2014 and now, and now celebrate the 33 years we had together.

When we were dating, the winter of 1980-81, I wrote her a little poem titled "A Warm Winter's Thought."  She treasured it, and told me that was the moment I truly won her heart.

Today, I celebrate an amazing 52 year life, basking in the memory of DeDe Sorensen with a new offering in the spirit of that first poem.

DeDe’s Seasons

©2018 Craig J. Sorensen

We found each other
In the Winter

Bound to each other
The end of Spring

We said our good-byes
At Summers dawn

But Autumn remained
Your time to sing

World pivots and turns
Seasons march on

As hands unclasped your
Spirit’s ascent

I always feel you
Inside my heart

The years we counted
Were heaven sent

Renewal

Yesterday, I posted a selfie in honor of my friend, Shane Cox, and the last day of his treatment with Lemtrada for his MS.  There was a brief story in that selfie.

More on that below.

Shane has battled, and I mean that in the most literal sense, with MS since being diagnosed over nine years ago.  He has had countless ups and downs, but in each challenge there is determination.

Those who know him personally, or from his site, Hammer the Wall know this spirit.

The treatment he is taking is risky, but holds the possibility of a renewal.  There could be no other treatment for a man like Shane.

All or nothing.

For the selfie, I chose to stand across the street from where I live.  Until recently there was an old mobile home in the area behind me.  It wasn't in very good shape.  They tried to sell it for a time, but they couldn't.  Ultimately, they had to haul it away.  But they left behind a single rose bush.  Usually, they pull everything out when the old building is removed.  I found the remaining plant a pleasant surprise.

As I thought of Shane's journey, I thought of this piece of land, laid bare.  The single, defiant rose bush, is a conduit between the rocky past and a hopeful future.

This is where I hope Lemtrada will take Shane.  For renewal, something has to make room for it.  His immune system has been stripped away.  It is my deep hope that what returns will be something worthy of that amazing fighting spirit.

Not long after Shane's diagnosis, his defiance against the condition began with him buying a Ducati motorcycle.  We spent a fabulous day driving up to pick it up in State College, PA, telling stupid jokes that we share to this day.  On the way back, perhaps I should have been worried, driving the open highway at some pretty high speeds, a man freshly diagnosed with MS getting to know his new bike as I drove his car.  I wasn't worried.

Over the years, he has continued to take new journeys and amazing challenges.  This year, he completed the Boston Marathon in terrible weather conditions.  He continually finds new ways to keep strong, and new ways to raise a middle finger to MS.

That is Shane.  I'm honored to be his friend, and I anxiously await what will surely grow on the new, clear site that Lemtrada has made.

Happy Saturday from Silicon Valley

Renovations

When I went back to Pennsylvania last year, I drove by the house that all of my kids grew into their adult years in.  It had been a great house for us, chock full of memories.  In the summer of 2012, DeDe and I had signed it over to a couple that had a young family, and they were so excited about having their first house.  They left a bottle of champagne on the mantle while the Sorensen crew finished our final stages of moving out.  We had such hope that this new family would love the house as much as we did, and that their kids would grow up and fill the house with more memories.

When I returned in 2017, what I found was far from what we had left behind.  The new family had recently abandoned the place.  Some windows had been broken and boarded up.  The yard showed the signs of being suddenly abandoned.  An old vehicle sat strangely canted on the driveway.  There were notices taped to the door: repossession by the bank, shut offs by utilities.  Of course, none of this changes the memories that the Sorensen family built there, but seeing the place in this state was a strange punch in the gut.

Yesterday, my son Daniel decided to do a Google search, and found a Zillow listing for the place.  Turns out that someone bought it, and did a classic "flip", just like they show on TV.  The house looks great, with a nice yard and the inside dressed up well, with bright but cool neutral colors.  Some timely additions and improvements make the house sparkle again.  There is a pending offer, so maybe this house will begin a new life after being abandoned so suddenly.

 I suppose this is one of those cases where life is like a house.  Things change, they always will, and sometimes they don't go as planned.  But we trudge on through life, and turn the corner to face the next challenge.

Coming to the Bay Area in 2012 was a restart for me and for my family.  I had to learn a lot of new things for the new job I took.  Some of these things were about my inner self, as much as for my work.  Sadly, I lost DeDe to cancer in 2014.  But life goes on, and I continue to learn new things about myself.  My creative side is flourishing now.  I'm writing a novel that draws on the experiences that surrounded that move in 2012, and inspiration abounds.

Today, there is as sale pending on that old but updated house, and I hope that the buyers will find in this place a great new beginning like we did in 1995.  Life is continual cycles, beginnings and endings, breaking down and building up.

Happy Saturday from Silicon Valley.

Flying Over Fire

I spent the last week in Oregon with my brothers.  Along the coast, the weather was quite cool, not getting much above 60, and that was where we spent most of our time.  Hiking, cooking, relaxing, talking.  Inland the weather was quite warm, but as is characteristic in the area, the nights cool off beautifully almost the instant that the sun is beneath the horizon.  Each day was special and carried with it, some great memories.

I decided to fly up and back, even though I love to drive, and relatively speaking, the drive between the Bay area and the Portland area is not far.  During the flight up, as I often do, I took some photos out the window of the plane, playing with the shapes below.  It was early in the day, and the light was pleasant.  There were some pictures I liked from this flight, and may post process them at some point.

Of all the photos I took on the trip, the one I included here is far from the best.  I took it during my flight back.  I was positioned in a seat right on top of the wing, so angling to take the photos, especially as I have to angle my head so that the reading portion of my bifocals is on the viewfinder, was difficult.

The subject, too, is difficult.  This picture is from above the fires that are right now inflicting serious damage on northern California.  As our plane approached the fires, turbulence from the rising heat shook us.  I've seen photos from on the ground of the Carr fire in the Redding area, posted by a friend who lives in the area, and they give some idea of the power that feeds this plume of smoke.

We each go through our lives, day to day, and most of the days are unremarkable.  Day to day aggravations can find undue weight.  I had some work issues that invaded on my vacation time, and I found focusing unduly on the attendant frustrations.

But in an instant, things can change in big way.  My heart goes out to those who wake up this morning, facing hard challenges.

Today, I am keeping perspective.

San Jose Airport Musings

San Jose, CA Airport, 5:06 AM.

I hadn't planned to start my next writing project until I return from the vacation that I am starting now.  I was working on backstory materials, and the outline, but one thing I've learned over the years is that inspiration won't be denied.

As such, I've written the first two chapters of my new novel.   As always, the characters, once they set out on their journey, surprise me with their actions as the book unfolds.

I have a fabulous vacation to look forward to this week, enjoying the Oregon Coast with my brothers.  I might get some more writing done, but if I don't, I know my characters will be waiting when I'm done.  Who knows, I might work on it now.

Or I might watch some cartoons...

Happy Saturday from Silicon Valley.

Sleeping In

I don't.  I haven't been able to since I was quite young.  Sleeping in, for me, is getting up around sunrise, and usually came after I woke up for a couple of hours in the middle of the night.

I used to say I was an insomniac, but looking at it objectively, I don't think that is actually true.  Yes, I'm tired sometimes, but mostly I feel fine through the day.  I might doze in my chair in the living room in the evening, but the five to six hours of interrupted sleep that I get each night is usually more than enough.  The four-or-less-hour nights are another matter, but they aren't the norm.

Anyway, among my strange sleeping habits is a tendency to do the "reverse sleep in."  Most sane and sensible people luxuriate on Saturday, sleeping in after a full week of work.  I get up earlier.

This is a more recent condition.  I think it relates to creative activities.  Throughout the week, I will write a bit each morning, but I view Saturday as a time for dedicated writing.  My mind turns over ideas I have worked on through the week, and often my Saturday morning is spent writing for hours before anyone else is up.

There are also times I like to catch the sunrise, such as I did in the accompanying photo, taken one October morning on the Oregon coast a couple of years ago.  I have been taking occasional early morning photo excursions for about 25 years on an occasional basis.

There are times where I feel like it would be kind of nice to be able to sleep in.  Sometimes I do that on Monday.  I mean, if you consider getting up at 5:30 AM sleeping in.

Happy Early-Weekend from Silicon Valley.

Under Construction

Photo:  Google Cloud Bldg Under Construction Nov 2014

As much as I love writing, I have to say the last couple of weeks where I have not written have been good for me.

I say "not written," but that's not really accurate.  I have been journal writing, and occasionally blogging, which is a form of writing.  I've played with some poetry too.

Anyway, I have not been working on any fiction projects.  I say "not working on any fiction projects," but that's not really accurate.  I've been working on a project I started after about a year of living in Silicon Valley.  That project is the inspiration for the name of this blog, "Midlife Startup."  I did some character studies, and wrote a synopsis and some outline work, and I have been reviewing those materials.

So, I have been writing, and have been working on fiction projects.  Gee, this break from writing has been great...

Happy Saturday from Silicon Valley!

Independence Day

Photo:  Sunrise Near Stanley Lake, Idaho, October 2016

Though I grew up in a small town in Idaho, and will always feel at ease in quiet solitude, I have become surprisingly at home in Silicon Valley, despite its many quirks.  I also have discovered that I can enjoy almost any environment, at least all that I have lived in so far.  I have not ever really accepted any particular place as home.  I'm a tumbleweed, by nature, and the fence that impedes my rolling is a good enough for me for as long as it can hold me.

I don't see any destination as sacred, but rather see that there is sacred in all things and all places.  Looking on the meaning of this day, the celebration of the birth of a nation, I see more meaning behind the spirit of independence, than I do about the place where this independence occurred.

One of the things I love about Silicon Valley is its pervasive energy, and the spirit of the people a place like this draws.  I'm fortunate that I work with a lot of folks who are spirited and independent, and diverse.  To look in the eyes of someone, on the sunrise of their own life adventure, reminds me of my journey so far.  Such a fabulous journey, and I look forward to the miles ahead.

Today, as I celebrate the day that a group of rebels split off from an empire, I also celebrate the deeper spirit of independence.  As I get older, the word takes on deeper and deeper meaning.

I hope you find time to think of the things in life that are special to you on this perfect Wednesday.

Happy Independence Day from Silicon Valley.

The Building Chipper Shredder

I live in the heart of Silicon Valley.  I've been here since July of 2012, so it's coming up on six years now.

The face of the valley is constantly changing.  The area I live in, the area I work in, are subject to cycles of demolition and development.  I've posted a couple of pictures along the way that have shown different sides of this.  I like to go for occasional walks when I'm at work, and these walks have given me "snapshots" of these cycles.  Two blocks from the office I work in, they have leveled eight or nine buildings.  I watched as the different buildings, which were not all that old, were emptied out, and came down.

Today there are steel skeletons stretching up four stories.  They are cropping up like pines on scorched black earth, toward the skies.

I am fascinated by the process.

One of the most interesting phases of this development was after the existing buildings were leveled.  All of the buildings had stone and concrete outer structures, leaving huge chunks of these outer shells scattered about.  As these buildings came down, a large contraption was placed on the former site of two of them.  Essentially, it was a chipper-shredder of doom, chomping down on these big chunks, and leaving an impromptu mountain of rubble on the other side.

The mountain grew pretty damned high.

Then it disappeared.  A sort of ebb and flow of stone that would take many millennia to shape in nature.

I've watched as the monoliths of technology, Google, Microsoft, Apple, Linkedin, and others, have gobbled up land and sprung up new, sleek and shiny buildings.  It's a fascinating process, but I can't help but wonder if the need behind the growth supports the level of that growth.

Since I was a boy, I loved to watch things grow.  Plants, trees, buildings, animals, people.  As I have gotten older, and stopped growing myself, I more deeply understand the nature of growth, and the inevitability of decay.  I see potentials, both positive and negative, in rapid growth.

I have no idea what to expect from the growth that seems to be encircling me, but it is fascinating to watch it.

Happy Saturday from Silicon Valley.

It has been a year and three months since I posted to this blog.  Blogging is so last decade!  But I find the terse style of Facebook, with it's focus on memes and images and strange interactions to be largely unsatisfying.  I like things which are composed and thought through.

That said, this entry is going to be far from thought through. 

This is just a moment in time, maybe good Facebook fodder, but it will be too long.

A stream of consciousness meandering down a mountainside.

I am in a space in the year that is both difficult and joyous.  My birthday is near, the anniversary of my marriage just passed a few days ago, and the anniversary of DeDe leaving this plane of existence is on the horizon.

I just finished a final draft of a novel I have been working on since the 1980s.  I have passed this along to be edited, and am just enjoying the act of not writing for a few days.

Celebrating it by writing a blog.  Okay, there's a message in there, somewhere.

I have been working on a project since not long before DeDe passed in 2014.  It was the inspiration for the title of this blog.

So maybe that's what drove me here today.

Life changes, past and present.  Pursuit of creative writing.  Placing things into perspective.  Moving forward, looking backward.

Rambling on in the void of an ancient place called Blogland.

Happy Humpday from Silicon Valley.